"Keep Your Hat On Jenny, Keep Your Hat On Jenny. Hush Your Mouth, You Said Too Much Already."
For the most part, I consider myself a pretty self-aware person. I know my weaknesses all too intimately and have an OK measure of my strengths. And I think that as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at downplaying the former and emphasizing the latter. Knowing that, letting myself down by giving my weaknesses free reign hurts more and more every time, and these last two days, I've got some serious let-down-dread in my gut. It's the worst kind.
There's one big weakness I just can't shake. While it's gotten better in recent years, I still feel compelled to talk over just about every emotion I feel. Right when I feel it. I can't NOT talk about them lest they overtake other, infinitely more useful thoughts. They bubble up at inopportune moments and a seriously flawed internal filter lets them out. I don't know, maybe it's actually healthy, maybe societal norms telling me I should stifle my emotions and be a proper lady - as two of my favorite movies describe the philosophy, "aloof, unavailable, ice-queen" and "be desireless, be excellent, be gone" - or else I'll never have a career/relationship/house with a front porch are shite, but the fact that few of those things have happened to me makes it awfully hard to write off as mere b.s. So, I try.
In a span of four days, I failed like three times. It's horrifying. Other than that, I had an excellent time, the emotions happened for a reason, after all... but my mind, so fixated on the emotion and on the lack of self-control that led to spilling it, won't let that go and just let it be what it was. It's possible this means I'm completely insane. Or it could just make me human. Or I guess there's a chance I'm somewhere in between. But it's killing me. And I don't know how to fix it, or if I can, or if it even requires fixing. I'm perplexed. Wish I was going to Smuggs so I could take it out on the half-pipe. Sigh. I think all I can do is let it go and try not to mope too much.
P.S. Subject line courtesy Chip Taylor & Carrie Rodriguez.
There's one big weakness I just can't shake. While it's gotten better in recent years, I still feel compelled to talk over just about every emotion I feel. Right when I feel it. I can't NOT talk about them lest they overtake other, infinitely more useful thoughts. They bubble up at inopportune moments and a seriously flawed internal filter lets them out. I don't know, maybe it's actually healthy, maybe societal norms telling me I should stifle my emotions and be a proper lady - as two of my favorite movies describe the philosophy, "aloof, unavailable, ice-queen" and "be desireless, be excellent, be gone" - or else I'll never have a career/relationship/house with a front porch are shite, but the fact that few of those things have happened to me makes it awfully hard to write off as mere b.s. So, I try.
In a span of four days, I failed like three times. It's horrifying. Other than that, I had an excellent time, the emotions happened for a reason, after all... but my mind, so fixated on the emotion and on the lack of self-control that led to spilling it, won't let that go and just let it be what it was. It's possible this means I'm completely insane. Or it could just make me human. Or I guess there's a chance I'm somewhere in between. But it's killing me. And I don't know how to fix it, or if I can, or if it even requires fixing. I'm perplexed. Wish I was going to Smuggs so I could take it out on the half-pipe. Sigh. I think all I can do is let it go and try not to mope too much.
P.S. Subject line courtesy Chip Taylor & Carrie Rodriguez.
posted by lunchbox at 8:30 PM
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